09 January 2007
Struck by memories
The gate that start things off....
Browsing through ex-schoolmate Toh Wai's Flickr photos. Suddenly my brain flashes back all the great memories I had with my friends back in school. The familiar faces, the jokes, the fun.... sigh.... What I can do now is to think about what happened last time and regret.
Me and Toh Wai, I was about to chokeslam him, heh. Taken last year March.
Why regret? It's because if I can get into more friends, I'll have a much richer lifestyle back then. Accepting party invitation from others, hanging out with friends for karaoke, gossiping school business at a coffeeshop, discussing homeworks at friend's house.... Sad to say but I do not accomplish most of these events that I really want to join in.
Perhaps I'm not so close with many people. When I look back at my friends I've back in school, only a handful of them I really treated as real close friends. Some of them are labeled as regular friends but many of them I refer as 'hi and bye' friends.
I lack the interaction and communication them, so eventually myself was marginalized in the social circle. Yep, I blame myself for all the set downs I've suffered so far.
I seek refuge on the Net, trying to get to know friends in school on the net beforehand so that I've some sort of preparation on how I'll deal with the person in school. I live in a two-faced world, just like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
I refer myself as Dr Jekyll on the Net, and as the character Mr Hyde in real world. To live in the world with two identities is not easy.
I've been mentioning lots of times in this blog, one of my biggest weakness is lack of socialising and communication skills. Although I've been working hard on this since years ago, but then it's still not enough to make things work as what I expected. At least, I'm proud that I manage to mastered part of basic English all by myself, after having some embarrassing moments in school and life.
I've to learn that to talk with a person on MSN isnt the best way to socialise. The best, is to talk with a person one on one, or in a group matter. One can fake his or her thoughts and feelings on MSN, but in real life engagement one dont really have the time to react to hide the feeling spontaneously to cover it up.
At some part of life, I chose to be quiet. No matter who's around me, let it be my family or close friends or anyone else, for some reasons I'll kept quiet, cooling down the atmosphere. This is simply because I've nothing to talk about, so I'll kept quiet and observe/listen the others.
I might be mute, that doesnt mean that I'm not thinking or responding.
Oh well, then again I'm suffering from mental struggling. It's a conflict of my own personality I guess, one side is telling me to be brave enough to open mouth and speak, but the other part is asking me to kept quiet.
Hmm.... I should learn to be smarter and wiser, to open mouth when I need to, and shut up when things are mess up.
Having this kind of distress feels bad you know....
没人能说 没人可说 好难承受