23 November 2008


Lately I've been feeling unease and nervous of all the things that came through me, I'm overwhelmed by all the stuffs needed to be settled here and there.

It suppose to be something joyful, as it's a dream of mine to study there, getting closer to those whom I admired the most. There're plenty of chances there to be discovered, a bright future is guaranteed if I don't blow things off for the next few years over there.

Why there're still something bugging me? It maybe perhaps because of the feeling of looking back in the past.
I'm a person who valued past memories highly, I can't afford to lose it.
The same applies, I'm reluctant to leave this place where all my memories originate.

If I were to take a step forward in my life, I can't give it up just because I looked back at what things happened in the past, how it would affect me on yesterday, today and tomorrow. Grabbing on old memories and never let it go can be a fatal blow to my plan.

Seriously, I need some time to deal with my own emotion and thoughts. I need some time to cool down the unease feelings. Being restless everyday thinking of the numbered days can be annoying to an extent I don't really know what should I do now.

I somewhat got the same kind of feeling before departing for National Service. Now this time I know my situation won't be as bad as NS, but still, leaving this country is a hard decision to made.

Yea, people've said that this country isn't worth to stay for the future due to the weak  government, but nevertheless there're something about this country which my roots had settled down long long ago.

Hope that the Japanese language class starting 2 more weeks will somewhat helped me to calm down a bit. Perhaps with more knowledge of the environment, I can relax a little.

I already anticipated the mental-strain that I would be suffering there initially, so it's just a matter of whether I can recover from it fast enough, say, a few days, or drag the dreaded experience longer to a few weeks? Ah well..... 

If this were just a short-term stay, say, a few weeks or months, I won't feel so nervous yet. But now I'm talking about living there for a few years and not knowing when I can come back here, now that's the problem. 

There will definitely have holiday breaks in between the study weeks, but it is plain crazy to think of flying and going back there few times in a year. The airfare is simply too expensive!

I'll be more likely to work there, like I said before, to cover the expenses. Generally speaking, most would know that living in Tokyo will cost quite a sum of money. Unless you've a comfortable financial background, else you'll have to get the support by yourself either by scholarship or working. 
You cannot just solely rely on scholarship unless it covers all the expenses, or took multiple scholarships all at once. Else, you must work those lowly jobs to survive there. I don't mind working those anyway.

Of course, ideally I would prefer to get a few scholarships at once to cover up everything so I don't need to worry too much on the finances and able to concentrate on study. 
If I were to plan to make some money I will still go to work though. Being a student can still earn a few bucks over there!

Few years ago I had no idea to deal with money, but lately I've been monitoring my expenses tightly. Thanks to this blog I've managed to fill in my bank account, and use it sporadically to buy some stuffs. 

So in order to fund myself a little bit, I've put my Google Adsense payment on hold until next year and when I reach Tokyo I can just get the money via Western Union to convert USD into JPY instead of MYR which I usually do it here. I hope the currency exchange rate will be good by that time, in the favour of JPY.

I might not be alone over there anyway, another schoolmate is heading to Japan as well next April. So far he dunno whether he'll be going to Tokyo or so as he's waiting for the university's offer letter. If he's going to Tokyo then good, I won't be so lonely lol.

Right, I thought I'll feel better after writing this post here but seems like the bugging feeling is getting worse. 

Tomorrow I suppose to be going to Port Dickson along with collegemates. If I carry on this ill feeling, I wouldn't enjoy the trip. Because I feel like there're still things for me to settle but I can't do anything as I'll be away for 2 days to had a short vacation. I do appreciate the trip but too bad of the timing.

I'm thinking of pulling it out in the last minute but I guess I'll just stick to the plan. If not I might regret didn't go along with friends.... 
Ahhhhhhhh, I hate this kind of feeling! It's really annoying and bugging me!!


  1. hmmmm...... decisions, decisions, decisions.....

    you haven't even left home yet, and you're homesick......

    look at your mom & dad, they too have decisions to make.... letting go of you isn't easy, so that you can make your own decisions & stand up to the new world......

    while you only think of your current friendships & environment.... they worry about your future....

    be brave, my young friend.....

  2. Thanks for the encouraging words there Imam, really appreciate it. :)

    I hope I can get the right idea fast, I hate mental disruptions like this hahah.

    Yep, everything's up to me from now onwards.